with six weddings to attend this year, and being in two of them, i recently started the workout “insanity.” it truly is insane. after a month, i’ve injured my left shoulder, left elbow and left ankle. i’m a gimp. 

this week was the first week in a while where i couldn’t work out at all. Given that s.a.d (single awareness day) was on tuesday, it only fueled my insecurities as a single woman. 

growing up in elementary, middle, high school, and college, i was always a “bg” ……big girl. i always loved the prep look, especially button down shirts. since, however, i was a “bg”…the buttons always looked like they were screaming for freedom, “let me just pop.”

my weight was a huge insecurity especially since my parents always encouraged me to lose weight making snide comments here and there like “how are you ever going to get married?”

and all around me, movies, t.v. shows, and magazines usually portrayed the damsel in distress as a skinny b. i’m not a hater, i promise. okay, maybe a little. and i would look around in high school and all the girls who were asked by a guy on a date were skinny too. somehow i ended up believing, “if only I were skinnier, i would be more beautiful to a guy, then i’ll get married.”  to this day, there’s a part of me that still believes in it - even if it’s a lie.

as i’ve lost weight, i’ve become shallow too. when i see someone who used to be “bg” (big guy) and he loses significant weight, i go “wow…he looks better.” perhaps i’m not alone in this? 

alas, once again (sigh), i’ve bought into another lie. so here goes my logic:

since i try to find “wholeness” in my future husband rather in Christ, since i look to my future husband as my savior to make me feel loved, beautiful, and whole rather than looking to Christ for love, beauty, and wholeness, and since I turn to my future husband to be a false redeemer and savior, what “works” can i do to attain this salvation in my false savior? i need to be skinnier.

When I went from a size  _ _ to a size _ …I felt amazing. The sizes getting smaller brought me more joy than the gospel of being redeemed by Jesus Christ on the cross. I loved the attention I received, “wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight. your face looks smaller, your this or that looks better…” Hearing these compliments only added more fuel to my idol and only fed deeper into my lie and allowed me to feel one step closer to perhaps meeting my future husband.

several downsizes later, i write this blog. still single. i recently read a paper where my friend wrote about two different types of slave masters. the slave master that is harsh and cruel will make the slave want to escape from his rule. the clever slave master, however, will give little treats along the way, to keep the slave disillusioned. “my little treats” being smaller pant sizes, my looser button down shirts, compliments from friends and guys, etc. etc. all the while, i’m still enslaved to the lie that being skinnier will bring me redemption. 

I find this lie of finding redemption and wholeness in being skinnier not only pervades women but also to guys as well. if i’m honest with myself, i know i believe in a lie, but this is one that i don’t know if i can let go of. it’s hard to especially when i receive the affirmation that i’ve always wanted from when i was younger. 

 we ought to be good stewards with the body that God has given us. we ought to work out and eat healthy in order for our bodies to be in tip top shape for His kingdom work - not to feed our own vanity. i guess it all comes down to motive - why do i eat rabbit food (salads) or work out so hard? is it to the glory of God so i can be a better servant or is it to my glory? the answer, almost always, is for the latter.