with six weddings to attend this year, and being in two of them, i recently started the workout “insanity.” it truly is insane. after a month, i’ve injured my left shoulder, left elbow and left ankle. i’m a gimp. 

this week was the first week in a while where i couldn’t work out at all. Given that s.a.d (single awareness day) was on tuesday, it only fueled my insecurities as a single woman. 

growing up in elementary, middle, high school, and college, i was always a “bg” ……big girl. i always loved the prep look, especially button down shirts. since, however, i was a “bg”…the buttons always looked like they were screaming for freedom, “let me just pop.”

my weight was a huge insecurity especially since my parents always encouraged me to lose weight making snide comments here and there like “how are you ever going to get married?”

and all around me, movies, t.v. shows, and magazines usually portrayed the damsel in distress as a skinny b. i’m not a hater, i promise. okay, maybe a little. and i would look around in high school and all the girls who were asked by a guy on a date were skinny too. somehow i ended up believing, “if only I were skinnier, i would be more beautiful to a guy, then i’ll get married.”  to this day, there’s a part of me that still believes in it - even if it’s a lie.

as i’ve lost weight, i’ve become shallow too. when i see someone who used to be “bg” (big guy) and he loses significant weight, i go “wow…he looks better.” perhaps i’m not alone in this? 

alas, once again (sigh), i’ve bought into another lie. so here goes my logic:

since i try to find “wholeness” in my future husband rather in Christ, since i look to my future husband as my savior to make me feel loved, beautiful, and whole rather than looking to Christ for love, beauty, and wholeness, and since I turn to my future husband to be a false redeemer and savior, what “works” can i do to attain this salvation in my false savior? i need to be skinnier.

When I went from a size  _ _ to a size _ …I felt amazing. The sizes getting smaller brought me more joy than the gospel of being redeemed by Jesus Christ on the cross. I loved the attention I received, “wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight. your face looks smaller, your this or that looks better…” Hearing these compliments only added more fuel to my idol and only fed deeper into my lie and allowed me to feel one step closer to perhaps meeting my future husband.

several downsizes later, i write this blog. still single. i recently read a paper where my friend wrote about two different types of slave masters. the slave master that is harsh and cruel will make the slave want to escape from his rule. the clever slave master, however, will give little treats along the way, to keep the slave disillusioned. “my little treats” being smaller pant sizes, my looser button down shirts, compliments from friends and guys, etc. etc. all the while, i’m still enslaved to the lie that being skinnier will bring me redemption. 

I find this lie of finding redemption and wholeness in being skinnier not only pervades women but also to guys as well. if i’m honest with myself, i know i believe in a lie, but this is one that i don’t know if i can let go of. it’s hard to especially when i receive the affirmation that i’ve always wanted from when i was younger. 

 we ought to be good stewards with the body that God has given us. we ought to work out and eat healthy in order for our bodies to be in tip top shape for His kingdom work - not to feed our own vanity. i guess it all comes down to motive - why do i eat rabbit food (salads) or work out so hard? is it to the glory of God so i can be a better servant or is it to my glory? the answer, almost always, is for the latter. 

As Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) longingly and apologetically stares at Dorothy Boyd (Renee Zellweger), he says, “I love you,” (dramatic pause) and ends by saying, “You complete me.”

Hearts melt and a deep “aww” resounds in the hearts of every female watching this. For those that do not understand this reference, you’re too young to be thinking about marriage.

I mean seriously, what girl would not want a guy to say this to them? If a stud like Tom Cruise [insert any studly star] comes along and says that to me, I would not respond, “No, Tom, that is theologically incorrect. I am whole in Christ. I am not and can not make you feel complete.” Hell no. I would respond like Dorothy, “you had me at hello.”

The reality is… biblical values do not inform my understanding of love and marriage, but movies like Jerry Maguire, Love Actually, all the Disney princess movies and other rom com’s have seeped into my heart and mind and taught me what love and marriage is all about. Don’t get me wrong, I have heard many sermons on dating and marriage, I have read Christian books on dating/marriage, I have spoken with my pastor and his wife on marriage and love…but the reality is…my heart does not want the biblical definition of marriage. It wants “you complete me” type of love. What I know in my head (biblical knowledge of love/marriage) vs. what I want in my heart (rom com love) are at odds with each other. This is a dangerous place to be.

If my heart believes that my future husband will complete me even though I know in my head I shouldn’t believe that, I will be needy, have unrealistic expectations, become depressed when the romance dies out, be selfish for his time, attention, and resources. If he doesn’t make me feel complete, I won’t be happy. If I’m not the center of his attention and if he doesn’t sacrificially love me like Christ loved the church…oh boy, he’s going to pay. Seriously, who do I think that I am?

But the reality is, I’ve bought into the societies understanding of love. I’d actually prefer to have this sort of love as opposed to biblical love. Societies love makes me the center of attention, and my happiness matters most. Biblical love says, for better - for worse, love is sacrificial, love is forgiveness every time, marriage is for your holiness not for your happiness. Biblical love says you need to love others as you love yourself. It’s already presupposed that we love ourselves, the hard part is loving others as much as we love ourselves. Biblical love says you are already whole in Christ.

I think single people out there, myself included, sometimes feel as if we are less than whole because we are not married or in a relationship. That’s a lie. We’ve bought into a lie and we are ignoring what the Bible says. You are not less than a married person. In Christ, you are made whole. Oftentimes, we want someone to complete us - hell, I want someone to complete me. But you know what? It means that rather than making Christ my savior, I’m expecting my future spouse to be my savior. Rather than believing that I am already redeemed by Christ’s blood, I seek to eventually be redeemed when I get married. This is the false gospel and I have believed it since I was a little girl. Again, this is a dangerous place to be. 

Daily, I need to come to Christ and pray, “Lord remind me that I am whole in You. You, alone…complete me. I often believe that my future husband will give me worth, and will make me feel redeemed…thus, I think my future husband is my savior rather than You.” Again, it comes back to repenting specifically in the lies you’ve not only believed in but also lived out. And begging God to remind me daily by His Spirit that I am whole, I am complete in Him alone.

When it’s time to hit the dance floor at a wedding and the DJ starts playing “Single Ladies” by Beyonce…the girls usually go crazy. All the girls come into the floor, and when it’s time to shake their hand like Beyonce, they go crazy. I do too. But then as I shake my bare left hand, there are some “faker’s” out there. Glaring in my face are bright diamond stones shaking back and forth as some of the women wave their hands in the air. A part of me feels likes tripping them. haha.

“When you least look for someone, that’s when you’ll meet someone.” Mental slap to their face as I look down at their 231424 carat diamond. 

I recently heard a pastor quote John Newton, “Anything that God sends to you is necessary and anything he withholds from you is not necessary.” Immediately I thought, “damn, God doesn’t think it’s necessary for me to get married right now.”

Why do I want to get married? 

• Is it for the glory of God? 
• To be a suitable helper to my husband? 
• To be the Proverbs 31 wife for my husband? 
  
  No, that is my Christian superficial answer. 

In my heart of hearts, I want to get married so my felt needs could be met. All those Disney movies, rom com’s, and societies values have really informed my understanding of marriage more than the bible has. I want to be the princess in a man’s eyes, I want to be deemed the fairest of them all by my husband, I want to be worth fighting an evil dragon or witch, I want to feel beautiful, I want to feel adored, I want to be loved, I want, I want, I want. My gawd - I am so self-centered. 

I usually pray that my future husband will love the Lord more than me. But the above paragraph reveals that I actually don’t. If all those things above were to come true, I essentially want my husband to put me first and foremost and worship me. Rather than the Lord dictating how he lives his life, I want me to dictate how my husband lives his life. Thus…I would actually be a terrible helper, and I would steal glory that God would deserve from my husband so I could receive glory. I would be an awful wife.

If my husband didn’t make me feel special, beautiful, loved, adored, etc., I believe I would lord the verse, “Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church” over him all the time. 

I’ve come to recognize that I want to get married not for God’s glory, but for my own. Perhaps that’s why marriage is not necessary for me right now. I would be a glory stealer. 

If any of you feel this way, I think there’s only thing to do. Repent. Repent of all your wrong motives for wanting to get married. Repent for wanting to steal worship from God. Repent for all the selfish reasons - cause at the end, you only want to get married for you, not for God, not for your husband, but only for you…only for me. 

I was thinking through the list of the works of the flesh. 

[19] Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, [20] idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, [21] envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

(Galatians 5:19-21 ESV)

Rather than focusing on the ones I were guilty with, I made a checklist of those I did not struggle with, i.e., sorcery, orgies, etc, etc. In my mind, since everyone struggles with idolatry, enmity, and others like these, I simply convince myself “it’s not that bad.” 

In coming up with a checklist, I believe, the Spirit gently nudged me “jessica, you think too highly of yourself.”

Then, I realized, Adam and Eve only bit into a fruit.  Have you ever thought about that? Did they yell at someone? Did they commit sexual immorality, drunkenness, sorcery, idolatry, rivalries, dissensions, divisions? I’m sure those who are “technicalists” would say yes. But, for those who aren’t such annoying sticklers, from the naked eye - all Adam and Eve did was bite into a fruit. Yet, all hell broke lose. One bite is all it took for this world to turn into Satan’s playground. Seriously, one bite. 

You see, as I look at the list of the works of flesh, being guilty of one sin on that list makes me equally guilty of all those other sins - yes, even sorcery, orgies, and the like. 

[10] For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.  (James 2:10 ESV)

See, many of us can read the list of the works of flesh and be like “oh I’m not guilty of this or that.” Yet, James says, if you fail at one point, you have become accountable for all of it. Yes, gasp, as if I was even guilty of orgies. How does that make sense? I credit much of this explanation to a fellow Westminster peer Mike Suh.

“…you may think, “How can that be? How can disobeying 1 command be the same as disobeying all the commands?” Well, James provides an answer in the next verse. He explains that what he’s just said in v.10 is true because all the commands have the same source, i.e. God. In noting this, I believe James points us past the Law itself to the One whose character the Law reflects and whose Kingship the Law administers. Therefore, there’s equivalence between violating 1 part of the Law and the entire Law because either case is really about something more fundamental, which is rebellion against the King Himself. Sin isn’t just the violation of a commandment or principle; rather, it’s more fundamentally relational, for it’s rebellion against God, your Creator and King.”

the end. 

I want to be blessed. When people open up new stores, they ask pastors to come in and ask for prayers of “blessings.” When people start a new venture in terms of relationship, career, or life circumstances, they ask for prayers of “blessings.” When I wake up, I sometimes pray, “Lord bless this day.”

When I eat, I pray, “bless this food to my body.” To be honest, in regards to food, I don’t even know what I mean when I pray, “bless this food to my body.” Am I asking God, “Lord please don’t let me get heartburn or food poisoning? “

In all seriousness, I think when I ask for prayers of blessings or ask others to bless me in their prayers, I’m asking that God would give me “success.” When starting a new business, and I ask for “blessings” - I really mean I want “success.” When I start a new career or wake up in the morning and ask for God to bless me, I’m actually asking Him to give me a successful career or a fantabulous day. 

Then it dawned on me. When I ask for blessings, I really want the prosperity gospel to be real in my life. I want wealth, health, and success - all under the guise of the Christian term “blessings.” It got me thinking that I probably don’t have the correct definition of what it means to be “blessed.” When I look at someone who is healthy, wealthy and successful, inherently I think, “wow, God has blessed them.”  I count their worldly success as a “blessing” from God, as if I got gipped of God’s blessings.  Then I think, did I do something wrong? Does God love me less? Why won’t He “bless” me like everyone else? 

Then, I read Ephesians 1:3: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,”

I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. Wait, so I’m not gipped? Guess not. Spiritual blessings being…regeneration, justification, sanctification, Christ interceding on behalf of me, the Spirit dwelling within me, being adopted as a daughter of God, no longer an enemy but a friend of God…so…no Escalade, Chanel, LV, white picket fence, 2.5 children, huge 401 k, etc.? Damn. 

A friend told me, “to be a blessing to someone comes at a sacrifice from the one who blesses to the one who receives the blessing.”

God wanted to bless me with the greatest blessings anyone could ever receive. It came at the highest sacrifice - His Son’s death - so I could receive the greatest blessings on earth. Yet, I often don’t count those as the greatest blessings ever given to me because I’m so mesmerized by the material “blessings” of this world. Perhaps the material “blessings” are not actually blessings if they distract and blind me from the spiritual blessings found in Christ. 

Oh, how I focus on common grace rather than the special grace given to me. 

I’m currently reading through Matthew. Chapter a day. Okay, a chapter every few days. Anyways, as I read Matthew 4, “The Temptation of Jesus,” I realized Satan knows his Scripture. Much better than I do. 

“Then the devil took him to the holy city and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down, for it is written,’ He will command his angles concerning you.’ and “‘On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.’”  -Matt 4:5-6

I re-read that and I was stunned. I thought, “did Satan just quote Psalm 91:11,12 without using his smartphone app?” Of course, I needed my iPhone app to find the Psalm 91 reference. 

Satan had used Scripture to provoke Jesus. He twisted God’s words to fit his agenda. How often have I twisted God’s words to fit my agenda? I have to think through it. I know in my heart, I want to justify specific passages that deal with women’s roles in the church to fit my agenda. I’m sure there are many other examples. 

Perhaps wives abuse the line “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” to manipulate their hubsters to comply with their selfish agendas. I know I would. 

Another thought: just b/c you know Scripture and can memorize a few verses, does that mean you acknowledge Jesus as your Lord and Savior? From what Satan just did, I guess quoting, memorizing, reading Scripture doesn’t always mean you’re a Christian. 

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.” Matt 7:21.

Today’s spin on the passage above, “Lord, Lord, won’t I enter the kingdom of heaven because I was baptized as a baby, attended church, went on a short term missions trip, was the youth group president…?”

Too harsh? Perhaps.